When does positivity become toxic?
Looking on the bright side is a good thing, right? One study suggests that optimistic women live more than four years longer than less optimistic women. Another study suggests that optimistic men experience fewer negative emotions as they age.
So, if a positive attitude is good, can it ever be toxic?
What is “toxic positivity”?
Negative emotions can be unpleasant. So, when exposed to other people’s negative emotions, some may respond with positive reframing. Toxic positivity occurs when this reframing invalidates a reasonable emotional experience.
Dr. Srikrishna Mylavarapu, a psychiatrist at Aurora Health Care, explains that negative emotions aren’t inherently bad: “Emotions like grief, anger, or frustration are natural and may be necessary to process difficult situations, like loss, danger or confusion.”
But what does this positive reframing even look like?
Examples of positive reframing:
- After the loss of a loved one: “They’re in a better place.”
- In response to danger: “How bad could it possibly be?”
- Following the loss of a home: “Well, now you get a fresh start.”
These responses may be immensely helpful when delivered at the right time or place, but they can also be used to stifle or hurry along the emotional experience. Even if well intended, it can result in emotional repression when delivered at the wrong time.
Avoiding negativity isn’t always a positive
Emotional repression can make it harder to seek mental health support, discuss problems with other people, and may actually create reactivity to stress and negative emotions.
“Imagine a balloon,” Dr. Mylavarapu says. “The latex makes it flexible and resilient, particularly when uninflated. However, the more air that goes into the balloon, the more the latex stretches, increasing the risk the balloon will pop. Now, imagine that air is a negative emotion, and the likelihood of the balloon popping is reactivity to stress. By releasing air from the balloon, the molecules holding it together become more resilient than when the balloon is overinflated.”
Negative emotions can allow for a release of internal tension, like leaking small amounts of air from the balloon. Toxic positivity may discourage that release, making adverse consequences more likely.
How can you deal with toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity can come from two different sources. Internal toxic positivity is when you dismiss your own feelings. External sources of toxic positivity come from other people.
When faced with these scenarios, remember that nothing anyone else says can truly invalidate your emotions. If you don’t feel like addressing these statements, don’t. If you wish to respond, consider a statement that validates your experience without attacking the other person. After all, they may not realize they are offending you.
Examples of how to respond to toxic positivity:
- Respond to “They’re in a better place,” with “I’m OK with how I feel right now.”
- Respond to “How bad could it possibly be?” with “I don’t want to find out.”
- Respond to “Well, now you get a fresh start,” with “I’m not ready to move on yet.”
“If someone is trying to get you to be positive or change your emotions before you’re ready, feel free to tell them you’re not ready,” says Dr. Mylavarapu. “Be respectful but clear. If you’re not ready to move on from what you feel, that’s OK.”
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