How to talk to your child about bullying

How to talk to your child about bullying

Bullying is an age-old topic parents are faced with as their toddlers grow into school aged children and eventually into teenagers. But in today’s increasingly connected digital environment, Dr. Malcolm Vandrevala, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry physician for Advocate Children’s Hospital, said parents now have to consider all the new avenues these behaviors can take place.

“Social media has really changed the way that bullying is taking shape,” Dr. Vandrevala said. “In the past, bullying may have been more isolated to when the child was at school or out in public. With social media and a constant sense of being connected, bullying is happening around the clock. Cyber bullying can be very hard for children to navigate and can have a profound impact, and many children are not in a place where they know how to separate themselves from these ongoing stressors.”

It’s more important than ever that parents stay in-tune with their child’s interactions with friends and peers, both at school and online. While these can be difficult conversations to have, Dr. Vandrevala said the very act of talking to children about bullying is incredibly important.

If your child is the victim of bullying, Dr. Vandrevala said the goal is to first show your child you are there so they don’t have to navigate it alone, and second to equip them with the skills to handle the situation.

“I think encouraging kids not to engage in bullying situations is very important. The more attention and distress a bully can get out of a situation, the more likely they are to continue the behavior,” Dr. Vandrevala said. “However, when things escalate, it is important to know when to step in. In situations that are more severe – such as those that involve physical aggression or threats – it is important that parents touch base with the school and make sure everyone is aware of the situation.”

If parents learn their child is the bully in the situation, Dr. Vandrevala encourages parents to be very clear, concrete, and direct in their words. While these conversations can be uncomfortable – and the parent may feel insecure or that they’ve done something wrong or they’ve somehow perpetuated these negative behaviors – Dr. Vandrevala said talking about bullying with their children is essential.

“We need to be able to tell our children directly that their actions are not appropriate when they are instigating these situations,” Dr. Vandrevala said. “That always needs to be done in an age-appropriate way and will likely be an ongoing topic of discussion for the family. Kids learn through repetition and observation and need to continually hear the message that these negative behaviors and actions are not acceptable.”

The most important thing that parents can do, he said, is to raise kind humans is being kind humans – and that starts with how they themselves act in front of their children.

“Parents should strive to model positive behaviors and interactions with others – and to speak up when negative actions are happening,” Dr. Vandrevala said. “Children tend to learn a lot from their environment, and we want to be sure we are surrounding them with positive, pro-social messages.”

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  1. I liked the article about bullying you posted. Have you considered doing an article about bullying in the adult workplace. The different types of bullying and how prevalent it is with Caregivers? I think this subject is very much ignored and swept under the rug. Adults are the ones teaching the children this type of behavior and if it can stopped before the next generation learns how to use this as a tool it could affect the next generation.


  2. I agree with Wendy, work place bullying is alive and well. While I agree with the author that we should raise kind human beings, for those of us that have children that are victims, I see time and time again “If your child is the victim of bullying, Dr. Vandrevala said the goal is to first show your child you are there so they don’t have to navigate it alone, and second to equip them with the skills to handle the situation.”

    There aare no text books that help you help your children that are victims. Telling the school isn’t the right advise either. They don’t know what to do and are also the victims of the parents of the kids that bully.

    You need to document, document document and involve police and the judicial system. That is how my child became a survivor.

  3. First off, I do not have kids, so I can’t give advice from a parental perspective. However, I was relentlessly bullied as a child because my parents had low self-esteem themselves, and didn’t know how to stand up for themselves, let alone teach a shy, fat kid to do it. I strongly urge parents to enroll their children in martial arts, such as karate, if they’re getting bullied. It not only helps them develop strength in body, but also in mind and spirit. They learn to not bully, but also not allow themselves to be bullied. Kids are mean. It’s terrible. And it doesn’t seem to be getting better. Colleagues have kids being bullied in school and the school says, “We will keep an eye on it.” That does not change anything. Parents need to be proactive.

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About the Author

Bridget Kozlowski
Bridget Kozlowski

Bridget Kozlowski, health enews contributor, is a public affairs manager with Advocate Health Care and Aurora Health Care. She holds a masters degree in Public Affairs and a bachelor’s degree in journalism, both from the University of Missouri. Bridget previously worked as a reporter for the Chicago Tribune and has also lead local government communications teams for both the City of Sterling Heights, Michigan and the Village of Lombard, Ill. Bridget loves trying new restaurants, traveling and spending as much time as possible with her son, husband and rescue mutt.